My husband complained last week that I am not writing about him at all. He said that except a small entry in the first blog (in which I wrote that I cannot actually write about the experiences of a new dad), I have not mentioned him at all, and it is as if he does not exist.
So, I have decided to dedicate this entry to the new daddy, even though my husband may not like all that I have o say about this subject. Once again, I do not pretend to be able to write about what a new daddy goes through, but I can write about what a new mom observes when she watches the new daddy with the new baby.
The truth is that at first in a way the new daddy really does not exist. A new mom is so concentrated in herself, her baby and her needs that the new daddy is basically another person who can help out, along with grandma, sisters and aunts. The other side if this observation is that the new daddy is probably as much in shock as the new mom, terrified in fact, but the lucky bastard can take his distance (a luxury a new mother does not have, even if she needs it as much as the new father) and try to work out the new situation in his head, slowly learning to understand the new situation of having a family.
My husband only started being really active in his son's life at around the 3 rd month of Jonathan's life. In fact the big change in my husband's behavior was connected to the fact that my maternity leave was over and I started working too. Until that point, it was as if it was legitimate, and even expected, that only I stand up at night to answer our son's hungry call, because I was on "vacation" and could sleep late because I did not have to go to work. And in the evening, after a day at work, all my husband wanted was his peace and quiet. For my husband, as long as I was in maternity leave, we were dividing the load in a fair way because he was going to work and bring in our "bread" and I was a stay at home (maternity leave) mom.
I am sure that he will deny this, if asked. But this is just the way it was. This just seemed legitimate to him that I be responsible for our son (because it is my role in life, no?) and the fact that I was being paid from the Israeli social security for the time I was staying at home, and hence also generously contributing to our income was just not relevant to his male reasoning. To me, I admit, this was a source of continuing frustration. I just could not understand what seemed his lack of interest in his son. However, once I understood that my husband is in shock from the newness of it all combined with very deep integrated male chauvinism that can hit any normal male that the woman should be in charge of the entire "baby issue" I decided to quit being angry and to channel my energy towards making him understand that in future our duties will be divided in a different way. After all a good marriage is all about compromise, understanding … and female manipulation… And so, I set to informing him, repeatedly, that as soon as my maternity leave is over he will need to partake more in the care of his son, including in the middle of the night.
Around the third month of Jonathan's life my husband's behavior seemed to "turn around". My efforts did not remain without result. He now also gets up at night, although still with much reluctance and still not as much as I do. We try to divide the feeding so that we both take turns giving our son the bottle and twice a week its daddy's turn to take Jonathan to the day care center. On weekends I do my best to give my husband more room to be with Jonathan because he does not see much of him during the week. My husband's working hours are unfortunately such that Jonathan is already asleep when he returns from work. It is not always easy for me to move away and give my boys their together time. On the other hand I also need my distance and to get a bit of rest from the baby. I try to pick up my energies in the weekend and leave Jonathan to his daddy's care. I am not always successful in this, but then that is usually my fault and not my husband's lack of willingness.
I know it might sound like my husband has no interest in his son, which is of course not true. He is in fact now a very interested if not always a willing helper. Any help is not only welcome to a new mother, but is a necessity. I take my hat off when I see a single mom, because I know how much work raising a child is, and I have only just started! I consider myself very lucky that I did find a man (at last at the age of 30! After at least 5 years of panic that I will never be married… If only a 25 year old woman could know for sure that she will be married at 30, then she would have a good time rather than panic for 5 years) and have a baby with a partner.
The first time I saw my husband I was tired in a train station at ten o'clock at night. But the next morning, as I watched him with his nieces at breakfast, I knew this man could be a great daddy. This was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. I still believe this is so, and that my husband's skills in taking care of our son and his attachment to the baby will only improve in time. After all, I too was not attached to our son all at once, and I did have maternity leave, and so was able to spend many hours with Jonathan and to bond with him.
My husband does not have this luxury and it is only natural that his bonding process with Jonathan is a slower one. My husband's working hours are really a drag! They are not flexible and so he must make do with the little time he has. He sees him mainly at night, in the late midnight feeding which he regularly undertakes. I do the 3:00 o'clock early in the morning feeding. Mornings, as already mentioned are our weakness, and I hate getting up as much as my husband does. We lie in bed and nudge each other when Jonathan wakes up at 6:00 AM, until one of us gives up and goes to get the breakfast bottle for the little one. In the words of Paul Raiser "It's your turn". This is definitely the most important phrase in a new parent's life, especially if that parent is not a morning person…
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