The Perfect Duet – Or is it?

Being a mom is not easy. Its hard work! Extra washing, feeding and a small and dependant person to take care of. Sleepless nights and endless tasks! I do not like the woman I have become, a grumpy old hag! A true battleaxe as the Brits would call it. I am always cleaning, and tidying up, complaining, bickering with my husband and just being stressed. Lots of mommies are also constantly bickering about their husband's lack of assistance, I do too – continuously!

I have heard it from colleagues and friends – "men are useless", they say, "you just have to do it all by yourself or it will not get done!" I have even heard men admit that if men had to take care of children alone, there wouldn't be any kids in the world at all – they say in their defense that a man's genetic code is just not programmed for taking care of children! I say that's bullshit! It makes men feel good though, like they have an excuse - taking away some of the guilt –but now I am just being negative. So, let's look at the more positive side of things.

The good news is that the average modern father actually wants to take part in the upbringing of his offspring – some manage to contribute, but the others suffer from two situations - some men do not know how to tackle the issue (they have good intention though) and others simply do not get a chance. (Of course there are also the childish bastards who really do not care and do not help at all…but I try to keep a pro-masculine approach…trying to stay positive, right?)

There are some women who simply do not allow their husbands to help, and it is those women in particular who of course complain bitterly about their spouse's lack of interest… Whenever the baby is crying they run first to hug him, when the father is changing a diaper they push him aside, telling him he is doing it all wrong! No wonder the poor guy would rather tuck it in early than stay up at night only to be scolded by his annoyed wife! It says in the books that men feel like a disturbance to the perfect duo of mother and child, that they feel left out, even rejected. I guess there is a lot of truth in that. (My positive approach just got washed away with the baby and the bath water…)

When Jonathan was first born my husband belonged to the group of men who were in shock and did not know how to tackle the issue of a new born (despite his good intentions). I was angry of course at his lack of interest. I tried to make sure he would not feel left out by trying to share some of the baby related tasks with him. This did not really work that well, and my frustration grew. Luckily my return to work when Jonathan was 3 months old shook my husband into action and he began to take over some of the feeding times and diaper changing.

I am not the kind of hysterical woman who does not let her husband near the baby but I admit I did look over his shoulder and gave instructions – so that he could know how I prefer things to be done. Sometimes he found these instructions helpful but my guess is that most of the time he found them annoying…though he would never admit it; my husband was starting to belong to the group of good intentioned men who do not get a chance to help! (This was especially prominent in the mornings, where I would wish for my husband to care for Jonathan, but I usually got up faster and just got things done). As he was starting to take a more a more active role in his son's life we developed a routine. I was not 100% content and to admit the truth I still thought I was doing a lot more and baring a larger burden also with work and all (especially in the mornings…did I mention that?), but we were sharing the hardship and so, I hoped, our troubles were over.

This last week, when my husband was away in Germany, was surprisingly relaxing for me. Taking care of Jonathan alone turned out to be a lot easier than I thought. The boy is good natured and we have our evening routine anyway (its mom and baby always, because my husband works late). For a controlling person like me it was even nice to have all the decisions to myself. What will he eat (oh, my husband just gave him the bottle, and I wanted him to eat some vegetables…aaaahhh!) What will he wear and so on. It was also nice not to have to clean up after two people, just one and a baby at that. (smily)

My mother says that whenever my dad had to leave home for reserve duty (men is Israel serve in the army also as reserves up to the age of 45 and are away from home for two weeks to a month each year) it was always quieter and easier for her. My parents have 4 children and a strong marriage that is soon to come to its 41st year. This little piece of family trivia was a comfort to me - maybe my husband and I are just a normal couple struggling as first time parents?

When my husband returned, we talked about these feelings of mine and his first reaction was to be insulted. "You are saying that you don't need me, that it's easier without me!" he complained bitterly – I was shocked to find myself agreeing wit him and it made me very sad. This hard discovery however soon led to another one, harder still. The truth was that I had indeed shut my husband out! (He was belonging to the men without a chance group.) And he felt rejected. We were not a family but a so-called perfect duet of mammy and baby and a third male adult living in the same house. Just as I felt annoyed that my husband did not take on more of the tasks related to the baby, he felt he could not do so because of work or the way I behaved when we were together with Jonathan – taking the leading role at all times – not giving him a chance to take action, and leaving him the simple role of the guy who helps carry stuff!

Our relationship suffered from this too – he felt rejected and I was angry –I thus rejected his advances and we entered into a devil's circle of anger-rejection. Having a baby has put a lot of strain on our marriage. We have hardly any free time and even less time just for each other. And so, with all the extra stress it felt like my husband is intruding on my space in the evenings! It was just all so exhausting! And it's not really my husband's fault! It is not easy to discover that the very thing you wanted to prevent from happening – i.e. the strain on your relationship – has just happened and you did not see it coming! It became clear to me that we both needed to make an effort so we can get this family thing going right! If we don't we just won't make it!

So many people get a divorce for silly reasons – the little things just mount up to one big frustration that eventually leads to hate and separation. My husband and I were on that bad track, but a good talk has made some effect. I try to let go, to give my husband more time with Jonathan when he is home and the boy is awake (unfortunately a rare combination of events) – if I feel like I need to instruct – I just go to the next room – after all, my son is in good hands! In the hands of the man I love. My husband, from his part, is trying to be more aware of the time he can spend with Jonathan and to take on more of the tasks related to him – especially in the mornings! Since his return, we have managed to get things done much more peacefully and I have found the pleasure again in having a partner to share in the burden of child rearing. Peaceful communication between us has also reduced the stress and frustration. For example, my husband came in late last night because of the semi- final in the European Football championship tournament (Germany won! They go to the final game to play for the title) so I let him sleep and got up to take Jonathan to kindergarten. My husband was very grateful. I hope we can keep up and not fall back into old bad habits.

Though it is not hard for me to write this, I think it is important. Stress is part of every parent's life and relationships can suffer under the weight of raising children. It's important to try and keep a positive attitude and to resolve problems together and not hold it all in and wait for it to blow in your face. I think my husband and I are back on the positive track.

A partner ship needs work! Love is not all pink roses! We were not the perfect duet, Jonathan and I, because his father was not a part of our family experience. We were not a perfect duet, my husband and I, because I felt neglected and he felt rejected. We decided to drop the perfect duet concept and strive towards the perfect trio! Mommy, Daddy and Baby! Its hard work, but we know where we want to go and we learn every day how to get there! To become a family! And with this positive note I shall conclude for today!

(Boy! I used the word positive in this text 6 times! Things must not be that bad… ha ha)

June 15th – Jonathan's First Telephone "Conversation"

My husband is still in Germany and today, he called and I put him on speaker (at his request) so Jonathan could hear him. Jonathan was smiling and trying to grab the mobile phone (out of which came daddy's familiar voice). Grabbing the phone is an action he has not yet taken to making…cute, he wanted the phone for the first time because he could hear his daddy on it! (This could also be pure speculation, after all a phone has lights and makes so many interesting sounds, but it is a nice thought.)

Jonathans Latest Achievments - June 20th, 2008

The boy is almost sting down and almost standing up! Amazing!! Because he is only 6.5 months old!

Sitting: He pushes himself back from a crawling position to a sitting one, but he is not quite there yet because he is still leaning on one hand and has not yet found the strength to let go and sit up right!

Standing: In Germany he first tried to pull himself up using the stroller, and then he has been constantly practicing on the plastic basin that usually stores his toys in the living room – standing with straight legs and leaning forward onto the basin that is turned up side down and serves like a small plateau. He does the same leaning on mommy who is lying on the carpet to serve as a large object for Jonathan to climb onto. After two days of such practice you pulled yourself up in bed! Using the bar for support! UNBELIEVABLE! (Grandma Nurit always said you would stand before you would sit…seems like she is going to be correct!)

Mobility: When you first "stood" like that, leaning on the red basin, mommy ran to get the camera, but by the time she came back you were already on the basin, crawling and on your way to crawl off it…head first! Today you just crawled into the basin, trying to reach for you r toys and then cried bitterly, calling for help, when you could not get out! Mom and dad had a good laugh! You are becoming more agile everyday! Soon it will really be impossible to leave you alone even for a second!

Travelling Baby

At 6 months, Jonathan has flown to Germany to see his Oma and Opa – his German grandparents – from daddy's side.

We packed and bundled everything as compactly as possible and took off to the airport in a cheerful mood. After all, this trip was only possible due to bonus tickets and I had to only take 3 days off work! Our happiness was slightly damped when we discovered on the plane that we forgot Jonathan's special cuddly pal, a furry donkey doll that he seemed to prefer when going to bed.

El-Al, our chosen flying company, had unfortunately not blocked a proper seat with a crib for us, despite the fact that we booked a baby ticket in advance and so we found ourselves sitting in a place where there is plenty of room for your legs (yoohoo!) but unfortunately no crib option and a clear instruction that putting the baby on the floor was not safe/ insured and not allowed. The idea of holding Jonathan, who is an active baby, 4 hours straight brought me into a sweat! But Jonathan's smiles seemed to insure that there were plenty of passengers ready to help, and get a "trip" – holding the cute baby and receiving in return his smiles and laughter and also the gratitude of his tired parents.

About half way, a nice passenger who happened to be a father to a 4 and 7 year old kids experienced enlightment! His place was next to ours and had the installment for a crib in front of it – so why was he sitting there and not us? Well, the stewardess on the ground designated the places a bit stupidly (actually it is clear to me that they want to fill up the plane, but the place should have been reserved since we had ordered and paid for a baby ticket – I learned that on the way back). And so we also asked the lady next to him to switch and thus two hours into the trip we could at last enjoy the crib and Jonathan got some sleep too.

Our adventures did not end there. We landed early and at first thought no one had come to pick us up. We waited an hour and then fortunately did locate my husband's parents, so we did not have to take the train after all. To top it all off, the car got stuck on the road and we had about 30 minutes break, so Jonathan had his first taste of German grass in a resting spot on the highway from Frankfurt to Dusseldorf.

Despite the fact that we were on the road eventually 13 hours (from 6 am to 7 pm) and Jonathan had to sleep in mommy's arms (takeoff), in a strange elliptic contraption (the airplane crib), in his stroller (waiting for granddad to bring the car from the distanced parking) and in a new car seat (the maxi cozy that a friend lent us for the week in Germany) Jonathan hardly cried and we got safely to our destination, exhausted but happy.

His new experiences just kept on coming! His bed was a portable baby pen with a super soft mattress, nothing like the big and hard one he is used to at home – I think he liked it, cuddly... The next day he also rode the tram for the first time and met about 20 new people (daddy's friends who all came together to a BBQ in honor of Jonathan…).

His two cousins, aunt and grandparents all also wanted to play with him, hug and kiss him and so he was a little cramped with new faces for the first two days. Then things started to take on a natural, if new, rhythm. A three hour afternoon nap is something you never see Jonathan do at home, but he probably needed it to digest all the new things and faces. Who says vacation is a time for rest?

On his last day in Germany, I wanted to take him to town with me to show off to some friends but his grandma was just not ready to give him up! She had been showing him off to all her friends and in return mommy and daddy got some time off and extra sleep… and on this last day, she wanted him all to herself! I couldn't bring myself to take the boy away from her…

The flight back was surprisingly simple – mommy and Jonathan alone worked out just fine! This time we had a crib place straight away (the ground stewardess explained that the computer has "blocked" the seats near the crib installment so no one but a person with a baby ticket could get them, and that was me…and this was so although Jonathan's name was not on the passenger list, just mommy's). Jonathan had to sleep out the take off again on mommy's arms but as soon as the belt signs were turned off the nice stewardess Susannah quickly set up the crib and the sleeping Jonathan was laid in it and spend the most of the next three hours sleeping (did I already mention his new rhythm?). Landing was accompanied with wails, but then the pressure change hurts babies so this was to be accepted. I also think that by then Jonathan had also had enough of mommy's lap – on which he was located the previous 30 minutes.

We landed safely (despite all of mommy's night mare like thoughts about airplane crashes… thoughts that struck me for the first time in my life when taking off and landing – could this have happened because I am now no longer responsible only for myself?). I put Jonathan in a carrier on my chest, so I had a free hand for the stroller (containing his on board bag) and another free hand for the suitcase which was retrieved quickly after the long line at the passport control. Pushing the stroller in one hand and the case in the other, with the baby on my chest, "super mama" was on the move! The car was waiting in the parking lot (6 days parking is a bit more expensive than a taxi one way and definitely worth it when you need to travel there and back with a baby).

After 10 hours on the road we were home! The absolute happiness Jonathan displayed when seeing his own bed again was soooooo cute and absolutely worth it even though it totally woke him up (he was asleep on the drive home) and disturbed his sleeping - costing me two precious hours of sleep. Seeing "Moriko" the donkey was a happy reunion, but since the German adventure Jonathan has two new cuddly friends to hug at night and he does not seem to have a clear preference any more – we shall see what happened after a while back home.

As my husband is planned to stay a week longer than Jonathan and me, I decided to spend the weekend at my parents' so I would not be alone with Jonathan and could get help in caring for him. And so, we were on road again the next morning to my parents' and poor Jonathan had yet again to get used to a new sleeping place. A visit to my sister also meant he had to take an afternoon nap in a totally strange house, I also saw it for the first time.

When we got back home, Jonathan had to get used to his own bed at home and getting him to sleep was a bit difficult. Granma came Saturday to be with mommy but still there are 4 nights to go alone! Wish me luck!

Jonathan is acquiring new skills daily – June 2008

He is getting more and more certain on his knees and it is clear he will soon be crawling freely. He already goes a few steps and then decides that crawling on his belly is simply faster. Did I already mention this is an achieving baby? With targets before his eyes?

He turns around on his belly, freely following the person that has just grabbed his attention combined with the spontaneous decision to drive the baby nuts or dizzy…whichever comes first… and then, he has spotted something new and he is on his way – deliberately crawling on his belly at top speed!

He wobbles on his knees, clearly practicing movements that will leas to sitting up and standing eventually. When I hold him under his armpits his legs are strong enough and he is practically standing – it is his back that is not yet ready to support him.

He is already grabbing thin things between his fingers and is also twisting his wrist – the fine motoric abilities are developing fast, closely following his mobility ability (a rhyme?).

He already tried to use the stroller as support for standing efforts, but his aunt will do just as well…

He expresses himself more clearly everyday – showing clear impatience whenever he is tied up (to eat, the stroller, in the car seat…) and complains bitterly (wailing, not crying) when I remove his bottle to quickly and squirms passionately when he has had enough of eating out of a spoon.

His solid eating is also advancing. He has learned the principle of accepting food from a spoon and although he still spits when "chewing" he swallows the most of it and the process of a solid dinner is no longer a long one – as long as he is not too hungry (then only the bottle works).

Today I was putting him to sleep with a song and just as he seemed asleep and I stopped he turned his head, as if clearly asking for some more…so cute!

Next week, all about flying with a baby and being alone with mommy at home (daddy is still abroad).

Short apology to my loyal readers

As I am in vacation in Germany (family visit) I did not blog last week. Will do so next Friday and tell you all about flying with a baby...