I guess the biggest tip I can give to anyone who is planning a pregnancy is: DO NOT DO THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE HELP HANDY! Caring for a baby is hard work and it is always nice to take some time off! Any pair of helping hands (in the shape of an aunt, sister, cousin and grandparent) is always welcome.
I know there are some moms who do not share, and in fact may even fear giving over their new born babies to others, me, I am the super sharing mom. Anyone who "wants a ride" by taking Jonathan in their arms is a welcome break for me. I relish the visits I get from my mother, I also visit her a lot more often than I used to before the baby was born. Spending the weekend at my parents' means potential rest for me…and I need it!
Since Jonathan was born, I get up every three hours every night to feed him. This means that even if I get a nice 9 hour night's sleep (from 22:00 to 7:00) I still get it in three parts of 3 hours each – that is just not the best formula for deep and refreshing sleep. The result is that I am simply exhausted. My husband shares in the burden of getting up to feed, but I still wake up when Jonathan calls, and then signal my husband that "now its your turn to get up" and only then can I fall into a slumber again.
Getting someone to babysit a really small baby is complicated, because you really do need someone you can trust. Babysitters are the parent's lifeline to some kind of a social life and some rest. Going out in any format in the evening or night is not possible with an infant – and so this is where I depend on the members of my family who live near by to help me out. I will occasionally also pay a babysitter, but I think Jonathan is too small for an entire stranger too much. I hire a sitter for my weekly gym session, but that's just one hour at a time. For longer outings I prefer family – after all they are for free!
Babysitters are not only an important facilitator of rest or pleasure, but also the people who enable me to stay at work late or go to the gym. Everything I want to do now is involved with child logistics. Either I need to pack a small bag (diapers, bottle, pacifiers and toys…) and take Jonathan with me, or I start calling up my sister, brother and cousin, who all live near me, to see whom would care to "get stuck" with Jonathan for an hour , while I go out… when he was just a month old, it was winter and so on a rainy day, if I needed to go to the super market, I had to call in a family member babysitter. Thank god the weather in Israel is usually nice, and so I can usually take Jonathan with me on errands, in fact it is a nice time or us both to get some air together. On days when the daycare center is closed but I have to work, it’s the phone line express all over again…anything to avoid having to take a day off.
Don't get me wrong, I would love to spend as much time as I can with Jonathan, its just that we get very little vacation time in Israel and I prefer to keep that for an annual family vacation and not spend my vacation days one by one at home with Jonathan on errands, or because the day care ladies are enjoying a day off!
As a mother, you must show a bit for flexibility when giving your baby over to someone else's care. No matter what, the babysitter always cares for the baby a bit differently than you would…Even the most trusted person will care for the baby in his or her way and a new mother may find that difficult to accept. In our particular case, as my husband's parents live in Germany, his mother's instinct is to always wrap children up against the cold, and in Israel this is not always needed. When she visited us in February this year, she always tended to wrap Jonathan's head with a blanket, and I always discretely removed it so he won't over heat (he tends to raise a slight fever when we are in sun…). But even among Israelis, some may think it is colder or warmer than others and thus over or under-dress your baby (according to your personal evaluation of the weather of course) when caring for it . The most curious thing I experienced so far is that my brother in law tends to put on the nappy backwards, with the closing tapes on Jonathan's rear end. And so, a mother who wants some time off must be prepared to accept these little differences and quirks, but it is worth it.
My husband always said he does not want to be one of those fathers who "do nothing" after the birth of his son (his exact words were, the "dead" father type). He declared he wants to be able to go out with friends at least twice a month. Generally, I can understand his wish to keep some form of night life; I just also think he should see more of his son than he actually does – what with his late working hours he gets to see Jonathan only on weekends, and then he also wants to get some extra sleep too, like every working person who needs the weekend to relax. Fitting it all in is a master's work. We compromised on his going out once a month in the end. As for me, I practically have no night life, except getting up for Jonathan…but I must also be honest and own that I also did not have much of a night life before he was born, because as a non-smoker I have long given it up, to avoid the smoke that so makes me suffer! Still it can be aggravating – its always obvious that the mom just has to be there, and men get to bugger off! They definitely have the easier deal in terms of social expectation- and I must say my husband tends to abuse this social tendency.
Baby sitting is therefore most important for me for relaxation and also in facilitating some quality time for me and my husband together alone. We like to go out on occasion and hence need the babysitter. For me this is also the only form of night life that I try to maintain. Most of the time it works out and we really cannot complain. We go out together as new parents almost as much as we did before we had Jonathan. Sometimes, however, it does not quite work out as we would like. Yesterday was my birthday and we wanted to go out to dinner. In the last minute our planned baby sitting family member had to cancel. And so we stayed at home…never mind, we got an early night's sleep instead! That is also worth quite a lot in the new parent's life. We will celebrate my birthday another night…
Family helping out in child raising is a staple in Israel. In fact it is the only way the modern working mom can make it. Grandparents have the most important position as potential helpers at any time, because they are mostly retired and thus masters of their own time. This is however not my case! My parents still both work and are quite busy, and my husbands parent live in another country (heel, another continent!). I cannot complain too much because in my case the whole family pitches out to help if required and my parents would drive miles to get to us if it was really needed.
Recently I found an ironic and yet so true image of raising kids in Israel, our dependency on our family and the role of grandma in a major woman's magazine (Laisha – Israel's most selling ladies magazine). It was published for the international Family Day (previously known as father's day). The small advert was taken off the internet and was called "Grandma's Answering machine" and here are the contents:
"Hallo, here is Gran, I am not at home right now. If you want to leave a message, please do so now according to the following instructions:
If you are one of my children please press 1.
If you need a babysitter, press 2.
If your car is still in the garage and you ant to use mine, press 3.
If today is Friday and you did not get bread for the Sabbath and want me to do so for you, press 4.
If you want me to take the grandchildren TO school/ kindergarten/ football practice/ ballet/ swimming/ tai chi/ karate or church, press 5.
If you want me to take the grandchildren FROM school/ kindergarten/ football practice/ ballet/ swimming/ tai chi/ karate or church, press 6.
If you have a meeting at work and will come in late and so need me to take the kids TODAY to the dentist/ private lessons/ speaking therapy/ children psychologist or family doctor, press 7.
If you want the kids to stay the night at my place (even though you know this is my "Bridge" night) press 8.
If you are one of my friends, I apologize, but I really do not have time to talk to you right now, I have to go get the kids…"
It might sound to much to some, but there is a large portion of truth in the above…All I can add here is Mom, Dad, I love you both…and thanks for taking Jonathan off my hands on occasion…
Sisters, cousin and brother, I love you all too and thank you too for your help...
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