Being a mom is not easy. Its hard work! Extra washing, feeding and a small and dependant person to take care of. Sleepless nights and endless tasks! I do not like the woman I have become, a grumpy old hag! A true battleaxe as the Brits would call it. I am always cleaning, and tidying up, complaining, bickering with my husband and just being stressed. Lots of mommies are also constantly bickering about their husband's lack of assistance, I do too – continuously!
I have heard it from colleagues and friends – "men are useless", they say, "you just have to do it all by yourself or it will not get done!" I have even heard men admit that if men had to take care of children alone, there wouldn't be any kids in the world at all – they say in their defense that a man's genetic code is just not programmed for taking care of children! I say that's bullshit! It makes men feel good though, like they have an excuse - taking away some of the guilt –but now I am just being negative. So, let's look at the more positive side of things.
The good news is that the average modern father actually wants to take part in the upbringing of his offspring – some manage to contribute, but the others suffer from two situations - some men do not know how to tackle the issue (they have good intention though) and others simply do not get a chance. (Of course there are also the childish bastards who really do not care and do not help at all…but I try to keep a pro-masculine approach…trying to stay positive, right?)
There are some women who simply do not allow their husbands to help, and it is those women in particular who of course complain bitterly about their spouse's lack of interest… Whenever the baby is crying they run first to hug him, when the father is changing a diaper they push him aside, telling him he is doing it all wrong! No wonder the poor guy would rather tuck it in early than stay up at night only to be scolded by his annoyed wife! It says in the books that men feel like a disturbance to the perfect duo of mother and child, that they feel left out, even rejected. I guess there is a lot of truth in that. (My positive approach just got washed away with the baby and the bath water…)
When Jonathan was first born my husband belonged to the group of men who were in shock and did not know how to tackle the issue of a new born (despite his good intentions). I was angry of course at his lack of interest. I tried to make sure he would not feel left out by trying to share some of the baby related tasks with him. This did not really work that well, and my frustration grew. Luckily my return to work when Jonathan was 3 months old shook my husband into action and he began to take over some of the feeding times and diaper changing.
I am not the kind of hysterical woman who does not let her husband near the baby but I admit I did look over his shoulder and gave instructions – so that he could know how I prefer things to be done. Sometimes he found these instructions helpful but my guess is that most of the time he found them annoying…though he would never admit it; my husband was starting to belong to the group of good intentioned men who do not get a chance to help! (This was especially prominent in the mornings, where I would wish for my husband to care for Jonathan, but I usually got up faster and just got things done). As he was starting to take a more a more active role in his son's life we developed a routine. I was not 100% content and to admit the truth I still thought I was doing a lot more and baring a larger burden also with work and all (especially in the mornings…did I mention that?), but we were sharing the hardship and so, I hoped, our troubles were over.
This last week, when my husband was away in Germany, was surprisingly relaxing for me. Taking care of Jonathan alone turned out to be a lot easier than I thought. The boy is good natured and we have our evening routine anyway (its mom and baby always, because my husband works late). For a controlling person like me it was even nice to have all the decisions to myself. What will he eat (oh, my husband just gave him the bottle, and I wanted him to eat some vegetables…aaaahhh!) What will he wear and so on. It was also nice not to have to clean up after two people, just one and a baby at that. (smily)
My mother says that whenever my dad had to leave home for reserve duty (men is Israel serve in the army also as reserves up to the age of 45 and are away from home for two weeks to a month each year) it was always quieter and easier for her. My parents have 4 children and a strong marriage that is soon to come to its 41st year. This little piece of family trivia was a comfort to me - maybe my husband and I are just a normal couple struggling as first time parents?
When my husband returned, we talked about these feelings of mine and his first reaction was to be insulted. "You are saying that you don't need me, that it's easier without me!" he complained bitterly – I was shocked to find myself agreeing wit him and it made me very sad. This hard discovery however soon led to another one, harder still. The truth was that I had indeed shut my husband out! (He was belonging to the men without a chance group.) And he felt rejected. We were not a family but a so-called perfect duet of mammy and baby and a third male adult living in the same house. Just as I felt annoyed that my husband did not take on more of the tasks related to the baby, he felt he could not do so because of work or the way I behaved when we were together with Jonathan – taking the leading role at all times – not giving him a chance to take action, and leaving him the simple role of the guy who helps carry stuff!
Our relationship suffered from this too – he felt rejected and I was angry –I thus rejected his advances and we entered into a devil's circle of anger-rejection. Having a baby has put a lot of strain on our marriage. We have hardly any free time and even less time just for each other. And so, with all the extra stress it felt like my husband is intruding on my space in the evenings! It was just all so exhausting! And it's not really my husband's fault! It is not easy to discover that the very thing you wanted to prevent from happening – i.e. the strain on your relationship – has just happened and you did not see it coming! It became clear to me that we both needed to make an effort so we can get this family thing going right! If we don't we just won't make it!
So many people get a divorce for silly reasons – the little things just mount up to one big frustration that eventually leads to hate and separation. My husband and I were on that bad track, but a good talk has made some effect. I try to let go, to give my husband more time with Jonathan when he is home and the boy is awake (unfortunately a rare combination of events) – if I feel like I need to instruct – I just go to the next room – after all, my son is in good hands! In the hands of the man I love. My husband, from his part, is trying to be more aware of the time he can spend with Jonathan and to take on more of the tasks related to him – especially in the mornings! Since his return, we have managed to get things done much more peacefully and I have found the pleasure again in having a partner to share in the burden of child rearing. Peaceful communication between us has also reduced the stress and frustration. For example, my husband came in late last night because of the semi- final in the European Football championship tournament (Germany won! They go to the final game to play for the title) so I let him sleep and got up to take Jonathan to kindergarten. My husband was very grateful. I hope we can keep up and not fall back into old bad habits.
Though it is not hard for me to write this, I think it is important. Stress is part of every parent's life and relationships can suffer under the weight of raising children. It's important to try and keep a positive attitude and to resolve problems together and not hold it all in and wait for it to blow in your face. I think my husband and I are back on the positive track.
A partner ship needs work! Love is not all pink roses! We were not the perfect duet, Jonathan and I, because his father was not a part of our family experience. We were not a perfect duet, my husband and I, because I felt neglected and he felt rejected. We decided to drop the perfect duet concept and strive towards the perfect trio! Mommy, Daddy and Baby! Its hard work, but we know where we want to go and we learn every day how to get there! To become a family! And with this positive note I shall conclude for today!
(Boy! I used the word positive in this text 6 times! Things must not be that bad… ha ha)
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