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I have a confession to make; I am (almost) erotically attracted to my son! I can't help it, the baby smell, the soft hair, the delicate skin…it's intoxicating! I am addicted to hugging him, breathing him in when I do so. You might think I am a pervert, but I assure you I am not - and I have three things to say:

1 – This is normal, moms are supposed to fall in love with their new born children (and according to the books the daddy's are a bit left out)

2 – This did not happen suddenly

3 - I am still very much attracted to my husband and enjoy kissing him too (when he is not too lazy to shave his beard…)

The idea that mommy loves baby immediately is a myth! No way after the pain of birth can you even think about love! Besides the little baby is all crunched up and blue in the face, after all, it was hard work being born for the baby too. New born babies are not a pretty site, they are tiny, blue (going on purple) and full of blood and a sort of fatty white paste (this paste protects their skin in the womb). Only after a good night's sleep and a bath do babies start to get a normal skin colour and it takes a few days before they start being cute.

As for myself, I saw nothing of my son at birth because it was a cesarean, so for all I know they could have switched babies on me in the hospital… Well, no, they didn't. They showed him to me briefly directly after the surgery and after his first cry and it was clear to me this little creature is indeed my baby – because he looked so much like his daddy and had his daddy's special shaped ears – so no worries. But even so, there was no chance for immediate motherly attachment there! (The books say new borns are supposed to look like their fathers, to encourage the bonding of the father to the baby – the baby's looks are after all the only way daddy can really tell if the baby is indeed his own…).

As a new mom you naturally declare your infant is the cutest, but I am truly grateful that there wasn't a real truly cute baby in the hospital when Jonathan was born, because it took about a month before he started getting his good looks! I was actually lucky because at least my son was not born with a triangular head! (It can happen when the baby is pulled out with vacuum). A few years back some friends of mine went through an emergency birth with vacuum and the baby's head had a really funny shape. I know the bones of the skull are soft an it fixes itself over time, but still I would not want to be the mother of a baby with a funny head if only because of the false smiles of all the old aunties who come and visit. They coo and say the new baby is soooo cute, and yet the sparkle in their eyes tells you they did not miss the distortion.

It is true that there are some mothers who become euphoric after giving birth, breast feeding straight away and smiling all around - I even saw that in a film at my birth preparation course (of course these ladies also got no sedation for the birth and are enthusiasts about natural upbringing, taking no shortcuts and breastfeeding 12 times a day…). I was not one of these mothers. I came out groggy from a cesarean surgery and all I wanted to do was sleep! The first few days in hospital consisted mainly of painful healing and getting used to the new strange object in my life, my son Jonathan. I was in total shock! You cannot tell what caring for a baby entails until you have one of your own! Even if you have nephews and nieces you can practice on, you eventually get to return them to their parents. When it's yours, other relatives are returning the baby to you, and you cannot get rid of it! Believe me, in the middle of a sleepless night, you sometimes want to do just that!

Jonathan and I had 3 months of maternity leave designated to getting used to each other. After a month we were doing all right! At first I was so worried about how to care for him, that I could not enjoy it. It was a learning process and slowly I got attached to the little boy, who started developing a personality of his own, and so I started enjoying his presence and his touch. Jonathan is a smiling boy, so there was an early reward for caring for him in the form of smiles and laughs every time he saw me in the morning (he still greets me this way) and also he turns towards my voice and clearly recognizes my embrace apart from other loving arms.

Now I just can't get enough of him! Every day when I leave him at the day care center he now attends I have to take a long breath of hair and skin - charging my battery for the day, and when I pick him up I first hold him in my arms for ten minutes, enjoying the smell of him and the simple fact of having him just there again. The daycare center manager is stuck waiting on us rather than closing up and going home…well, not really – she has enough to do.

This first afternoon hug is a special moment. We have the time to just stand there and hug in mutual greeting while the manager of the day care center collects all of Jonathan's stuff (bottle, used clothes etc.) and takes to the last cleaning up tasks before closing. By the time we get home its back to the routine of feeding, changing diapers and taking a bath and again the joy of being together sometimes gets lost in the routine of duty.

We mothers must make the most of the short time our children will welcome our endless hugging and kissing. All the books say love and contact are important to the development of a growing infant. I say it is just as important to the infant's mom! I need to hug and kiss Jonathan as much as he needs me to do it. And soon, when he is just about 4 years old he will think kissing his mommy is just not cool and my loving advances may very well be rejected…but until then I still have about 1362 days (four years minus 3 months).